I have many  selves.

 

I like a word in Japanese, “生々しい”。　It means “green; fresh; vivid; graphic” in dictionary. But no. It is not fresh, with all the new born energy. Not that positive. 

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The “raw” may embrace its actuality more. Like the RAW image format, meaning “the image file containing the unprocessed data from the sensor”. The savage. The barbarism. It is cruel but natural. 

To describe a divorce dipute, 生々しい。

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To sketch a person’s love and lust, 生々しい。

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It is so fresh, mixed with bits of blood, or the earthy soil. It is so naked, impavid and true. 

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It contains all of these experience you touch, taste, smell and feel, ugliness, beautifulness, fragrant and revolting. It includes all the unprocessed information, rushed to you with no any defense. It is scrumptious, frenetic, flourish, gratifying, compatible yet so uncongenial. It is unspeakable yet it tells more to magazines, social media stills. 

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I am, 生々しい。

 

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I have many selves. I gave myself selves. I resent my name. It tells tradition yet the cacosmia of patriarchy. I am Serrino. Am Dlozy. Am Serinn. I am èr miē.  I have many names because I hate my original one. I invent many selves. I am a designer. I designed clothing and got into the list. I am a designer. I design products and helped people who have difficulties in their lives. I am an artist. I paint and I draw, I create, in multi realities. I published a novel when I was in high school. A musician. An investment manager. I am a data analyst. I am a game architect. I am lost myself yet to pick up anew. I am in an adventure. 

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 I am a victim of sexual harassment. A survivor of an intentional sexual assault. A witness of a government-driven murder. I am a descendant of colonial heritage. I am a bastard of East and West. I am a being with many definitions with no any of them right. A being hates time. A being has many regrets. I envy the people say that they do have regrets but never look back. I need such insight. Accepting a regret to me does not mean that you approve it. I have many regrets. I hate aging. Because I want my mother to be her always. I love her. I need time to forget her. I believe gerontocracy is a serious issue. I believe what we have is never the fact of incident but the feeling of the past. We must be down and be low, to the crowds and the people. Feel the pain and the suffer. I wish my life could be useful, be responsible, be compassionate. I wish my life is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to make a little difference at least. I want the world heading to a bright end.

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I resent the being. I refuse justice.